Dear Abba - Rekindling the Passion

DEAR ABBA: My support and I have been laning for over fifteen minutes now. Ever since we scored first blood and two more kills we were madly dedicated to each other, and swore we would never leave each others' side.

However, not too long after our friend from Middle Lane came up to gank. "ping ping ping drow silence". Unfortunately as I approached the enemy to cast Gust, the Earthshaker countered with a well-timed fissure, hitting me, my support, and our mid. We were then immediately cleaned up by tp response.

Ever since that episode, things haven't been the same. I've died seven more times to the enemy carry, all while Crystal Maiden sat back and watched in horror as my body was stoned, mangled, incinerated, and frozen. Now when I ask my support for a tango, but she softly whispers that she hasn't any - and then I hear the sound of a tree crashing down behind me. She takes my last hits and makes me deny. Even though our mid has been winning his lane and successfully ganking bottom, he refuses to come top again for a gank, insisting that "he has to farm." How much of an idiot do they take me for?

I wish Crystal Maiden could be my beautiful support once again. I wish my mid could trust me once again. But most of all, I wish everyone could be honest with me, once again.

I just want everything to be back to normal.

- Relegated to #5 in Radiant Safelane

DEAR RELEGATED TO #5: 
NOOB FEEDER FUCKIN RETARD, GO BACK TO LEAGUE YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

UNISTNALL DOTA, YOU SUCK SO BAD, 0-8-0 DROW NOOB.

DROW SHIT, MIERDA NOBB

BAD CARRY GG FF PLS. REPORT DROW PLS

Dear Abba - I Think My Carry... isn't!

DEAR ABBA: I recently learned that my carry of 20 minutes is a support. I never suspected and I am stunned (and not because the centaur hoof stomped me while I was jungling.)

I have laned with him since we met. I still do. I have never been interested in anyone else. We have three kills and five assists to our name and we are winning the lane for our team.

I learned his secret when he smoked up and rotated middle to gank, ward, and deward while I was busy denying creeps. Eventually I confronted him and he told me everything. He has been supporting since before we laned. He assured me he has never done anything that could have caused him to steal farm.

I'm lost about what my next step should be. I'm in my late 10's. Starting over isn't something I ever considered. I'm seeing the side shop owner who suggested it might be simpler to consider myself a roamer.

I have no interest in laning with my carry again, but being apart from him terrifies me. I feel like my entire jungle's been warded and there are no good creeps to enchant.

Have you any suggestions?

- Helpless in Dire Safelane

DEAR HELPLESS: Your jungle is not 'warded' and you're not 'helpless'. You're probably in shock, knowing that your carry deceived you from the time you met him. That's understandable.

My advice is to do nothing until you regain some sense of balance.

Finding that smoke rotation was no accident. Consciously or unconsciously, your carry wanted you to see it.

That you no longer want to lane with him isn't surprising. Some things to consider: Does he still want to lane with you? How do you feel about laning with anyone? Is your carry involved with more than one hero or just one? And does he want to continue laning together?

Some supports (and carries) remain laned to their semi-carry partners. Others marry people they know are supports. I do not agree with your shop owner that you should 'consider yourself a roamer,' unless you want to be laned with the neutrals.

Before making any decision about your future, you should contact the Good Lanes Network. It's a confidential support network of current or former solid-role heroes in a lane with semi-carries or flexible role partners. It helps single-role heroes cope constructively with the coming-out crisis and assists mixed-role couples and their minions to build bridges of understanding. I wish you luck on your journey.

Study Finds Large Influx of Young Children in Dota 2

DIRE OFFLANE - A recent study revealed that a large influx of young children ages five to ten have flocked to Dota 2 to partake in the violent negotiation of control of the respective enemy team's ancient.

These children have a tendency to play heroes such a "Nyx Assassin", "Lifestealer", "Silencer", and "Zeus".

"I'm 6," a laning Nyx was heard as he activated his recently acquired "Vendetta" skill.

Yet another Zeus player alerted his teammates about his age a couple minutes farming the midlane. "Six. I'm six. If you need me to ult just ping me."

Officials have surmised that this exodus of players occurred from the latest patch 6.79 turning the game into a "League of Legends" variant.

"wtf valve making game ez mode," PlayDota forum poster "hellomisery" claimed.

"broodmother such dumb hero impossible to kill. now my 6 yr old sister can get x-0 so ez so dumb gj valve"

However this latest crisis does not take into note the minority of infants playing "Meepo", as one such player was heard saying, "Finally, I'm four."

Peaceful Protest of Inflation Meets Tragic Ending

RADIANT FOUNTAIN - Peaceful protesters camping in the Radiant fountain calling for a price reduction in various necessary goods were met with Dire steamrolls last Thursday.

The five protesters had called for a boycott of all Radiant and Dire goods for the next five weeks, refusing to purchase any and all goods due to the sudden price increase of the Bottle and Gem of True Sight.

"It's atrocious, it really makes me livid," Bounty Hunter Gondar said. "Gem of True Sight costs 900 now. Just a couple months ago it was 800. Next thing you know it'll be the same price of a level five Dagon."

"Something needs to be done to stop this mindless extortion."

A similar call was made for Bottle price increases. Though many economists attribute the fifty gold increase to GRV (gold refund value) taxes with the introduction of Bottle recycling centres, the protesters counter that the "tax" is just another way for "[Icefrog] to profit off our hard work."

"'Tax' is just another word for 'extortion'. It's hard enough to farm and get successful ganks without dictatorial price fixes. But Icefrog is outrageous to think that we're gonna fall for his gluttony," long-time resident Ezalor said.

When our correspondent attempted to contact Icefrog, he declined to comment.

Efforts in spreading their message through passive means were met with disinterest and aggression, as the Dire team utterly steamrolled the Radiant, taking all middle lane towers within the first five minutes, then camping Radiant fountain for the next three minutes.

"wtf," Furion, prophet of nature, exclaimed. "radiant afk?"

"ez game. commend me," boasted a Sacred Warrior.

"they should be lucky glyph costs 0 gold to use"

Dazzle's Advice for the Supports: 15 Signs Your Carry's Just Not That Into You

1. He's just not that into you if he's not asking you to lane with him.

If a carry is excited about a support, he can't stop himself - he wants more. If he likes the warding, the stacking, the pulling, he's going to want to take it further. If he's not making a move, it's not because he is 'scared.' The only thing he is scared of is how terrible your gank potential is.

2. He's just not that into you if he's not calling missings.

He says he didn't have a moment between last hits to call mia. Rubbish! The real reason is that you are not on his mind. If a carry leads you to expect he will call missing and then doesn't follow through on such a little thing, he will never follow through on big things, like getting a double rampage. Be aware he is okay with the idea he is probably going to let you die to a missing Bounty Hunter.

3. He communicates via ALLCHAT and steam chat.

By  doing so, he avoids the 'getting to know you' conversations. He really isn't interested in moving things past the laning phase. He wants the down and dirty. When will you rotate to his lane? If you have already secured a kill, his ALLCHAT is to set up his next gank. He usually steers the conversation towards telling you how nice your ward cosmetic is and how he can't wait to see you in lane again. DUH!

4. He warns you that he is only a semi-carry.

Carries usually say what they mean. He is telling you that he is not carry material - at least with you - believe him! You might be the exception to the rule, but more than likely, you are not. He is probably going to gank with you and rotate to the jungle when things get too complicated (you want more from him).

5. He puts little planning into helping his support.

He tells you that he wants to hang out and midas a creep or something. "Something" means ganking in case you haven't figured that out by now. If you always go to the small camp with the priest in it, because it is his favourite, he isn't trying to please you. More than likely, he goes to different neutral camps with different supports. A carry that is really into you will allow you to get your levels. Even if the strat doesn't cost him a dime, he will let you gain your much-needed experience.

6. He makes lots of empty promises.

He keeps talking as if you have a future, but he takes little or no action. He talks about having a future together or all the great counterganks you will have soon, but he doesn't plan a teamfight! Some carries promise the moon, sun, and stars, but deliver... nothing! He really isn't that into you. Think about this. If he can't come up with a few things that makes you swoon despite his crazy high gpm, he isn't that into you.

7. He makes last minute plans to see you.

You are just so glad he tells you to tp to his lane that you don't realise that he is definitely not that into you or he thinks that you have no life and would be readily available at his beck and call. Either way, if you accept, you aren't scoring any points. Well, maybe getting some assist gold when ganking, but still, you were probably one of the supports in his 'little black book' and not his first call.

8. He avoids the 'getting-to-know-you' interactions!

He really doesn't want to get to know you better. He wants to know what he needs to know to get you to secure him some reliable kill gold. If he really wants to get to know you better, he is asking questions about you, your skill and item build, and what you want. If not, he is looking for the easiest, quickest kill secure call. He will flatter you! He will tell you how amazing you are! But he doesn't really know anything about you apart from having shitty movespeed and probably being liable to die to ganks. If you fall for this, don't expect a > Help! chat anytime soon. He will call you again when he is bloodthirsty.

9. He is pushy about getting physically and magically aggressive.

He tries to move things forward beyond the "harassment spells and autoattack" session with minimal damage. If you resist, he tries to make you feel bad that you aren't that into him and that you aren't willing to get kill gold. He says that he just wants to zone the enemy out, but he is really trying to get more. (Just so you know, most carries don't like out-zoning. They do it because it gets them kills!) He is lasthitting and and denying, but in the process trying to get close to the enemy with his level 1 Open Wounds, wants first blood. If he gets upset or offended when you put the kibosh on moving forward, he isn't that into you. If someone really likes you, he is willing to wait until you are ready to move things forward.

10. You initiate and he doesn't follow through.

If you're really into a carry and you think he may be shy, try initiating a teamfight, gank, or rosh session. If you start the engagement, he'll want to continue it. However, if he doesn't return with his ulti or stuns or tries to disengage with excuses like 'they have a ward over there, they know we are roshing', he may not be into you.

11. His actions don't match his words.

If he says he'll call missing and then you don't hear from him or if you suggest meeting up at the ancients and splitting experience and he is 'too busy', he probably isn't interested.

12. If you have been laning for 10 minutes or more and have never met his teammates, he isn't that into you. When carries think they have found a great catch, he'll want to show it off. If you don't get an invitation to meet his lineup, you aren't that support. He wants to see you alone but not integrate you into his game, this is not a good sign. If a carry is really into you, he wants his team to see the support he is carrying. If this doesn't happen, you are not the support he wants to be with long term.

13. He says he just wants to be lane partners. 

He means it. If you offer up a smoke gank as part of the package, he is willing to be lane partners with benefits. He isn't stupid if you are! If you offer to satisfy him monetarily and kill-score-ily, why not. If you think being lane partners with benefits will lead to more, it won't. He isn't into you in almost every case. When he finds someone who can synergise with his skill set, you are history.

14. He's not that into you if he's still laning with other supports.

Or you even catch him at it, he's not ready to settle down with you. Even if he still maintains inappropriate contact with ex-supports or even other support friends he's not ready to invest time in you or ready to have any kind of future. He's just not worth the time if he's out looking for someone else. Save yourself the death count and wasted wards and move on. You'll find someone who will be so thankful for you.

15. He's just not that into you if he doesn't want to carry you.

Every carry you have laned with who says he doesn't want to carry or doesn't believe in carrying, or has 'issues' with carrying, will, rest assured, someday carry a team. It just won't contain you.